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October 25, 2020

The Blog Post that had Too Much Going on

8 min read

Music: Lion King – Hakuna Matata
Schmood: Slired

You know what?  I’ve been thinking a lot these days… I’ve been thinking too much, which means I haven’t been doing much.  Freak, why can’t I just freakin stop time for a while?

Oh well… haven’t updated this b-yotch in like 14 days or something… so I’ve lots of ground to cover.  Wow, it’s scary how much that reflects my school situation…

Well… yet another PCN has come and gone.  Yet another year I’ve managed to make an absolute fool of myself in front of two-thousand people.  Not that it wasn’t fun… it was great.  But I dunno… I didn’t feel this PCN as much as the other ones… maybe it’s because I’m getting old and used to it, or maybe I’m just growing more detached.  I have no idea.  That’s been the trend with things lately though… it’s as if the magic just isn’t there anymore.  This year’s skit should have been a musical though… we had the cast for it, most definitely.  Choir rocked though… dammit I just feel so bad sometimes though when I have to make a choice between them and skit… grrr.  You sexy-ass choir coordinators should be hella proud!! There was something a bit different this year though… It was the first time it hit me that for some people this was the last one.  Crazy… it’s the last one for so many of my friends… couldn’t help but get overwhelmed by emotion during curtain call.  Damn this whole empathy thing.

So the week after PCN, Smokey, Puggy, and I roll to San Bernadino to watch Rent.  And I’m hella excited cuz it’s my first time seeing it.  I’m a freak… I’ve memorized so many songs from the soundtrack and I hadn’t even seen the musical yet.  Well anyway, since we decided to get tickets so late, we ended up paying for the $50 seats… yeck.  I was kinda disappointed w/ the view though.  They were those seats on the side, so you get that weird POV where you can’t see the near side of the stage, especially when the actors are upstage.  I still really liked the musical though.  It was really great getting the story behind all those songs.  I’m sad to say that I didn’t dig the guy who was playing Roger too much.  There was something weird about his voice that was just a little too… distracting.  Mark rocked though… and so did Mimi.  Collins took a while to warm up, but his rendition of the “I Will Cover You” reprise kicked absolute ass.  Chills down the spine.  The female soloist in “Seasons of Love” was magnificent… Angel was really good too, I seriously couldn’t really tell it was a guy, which brings me to a realization.  Even if I did get good enough to make it on a touring Rent cast, there’s no way in hell I’d be able to play Angel.  That guy had amazing legs for a man… and he’s probably like 6’ tall.  I’m 5’7” and my legs are short and built pick up cars.  I wonder how much limb lengthening costs these days.

So you’re officially reading the blog of a PUSO Co-Director Elect.  It’s still quite a bit surreal for me.  I think the elections surprise for me was VinPenny.  I’m happy but worried at the same time that he’s gonna be my Co-Director.  Happy because, I mean damn, he’s gonna be my Co-Director!  Worried cuz I really thought he’d do HSO… I really wanted him to, now we’ve gotta fill that last spot.  But no regrets!!  I’m excited for next year… really excited.  My only real big concern for next year is funding for HSO.  Every year, a majority of our outreach funding comes from ASUCI.  However, it’s apparent that AS intends to make this an “elite-only” campus.  So, they pull funding for all student-initiated outreach events… that’s us and about maybe ten other organizations.  If you add it all up, that’s a whole lot of High School students that we’re reaching out to.  This is BAD… especially because the demographic we reach out to is one that traditionally does not have the access to educational resources that some of these spoiled Irvine brats have.  They cut funding because they believe that student-initiated outreach doesn’t directly benefit UCI students.  I dunno, so all those people that facilitate, work on committees, perform, and make new friends are benefiting from Outreach?  Oh, I forgot to mention that they do get fed during the day and they get to go home w/ the satisfaction of helping someone out in that mentor position.  Morons!!  Oh sorry, am I out of place?  That isn’t really benefiting… getting drunk off free beer and degrading yourself in public behooves you a great deal!!  What was I thinking!  I forgot that to be “right” in this society, I have to think and work in a manner that benefits only me.

Oh, and BTW… 3 words: Most Outstanding Website.  How stoked am I?  I really felt though that we deserved more than what we received… Oh well… We’re in it for the love and not the rewards right?  And I do love it… believe me.

So, last Friday I visited my pediatrician in the hospital.  Terminal Cancer… it’s a bitch.  It’s a trip to me sometimes that even as a doctor, sometimes you just can’t catch things in time to stop them.  For all the knowledge that doctors possess, there’s still so much that they can’t touch.  It’s crazy… and maybe a bit unfair if you think about it a certain way.  I dunno… it was sad for me to stand there at the foot of her bed as I watched the respirator breathe for her because one of her lungs had already ceased working and the other was failing fast.  It’s a trip because almost 20 years ago, she was the one taking care of me as I grew up, making sure I developed into a healthy adult.  And as I stood at the foot of the bed… I felt helpless… at that point all I could do was pray for her and family… and hope that would be enough.

So my roommate turned 21 on Friday morning.  We drank up the night before… and I consumed a little too much of certain substances… equilibrium, shot to hell.  But by some miracle, I manage to wake up at 8:30 to take my 9 o’clock quiz and give my presentation.  I never said it was a good presentation… freak, I had trouble finishing my sentences.  Kiss goobye to my thought process!! I am really glad though that Keyot and the Invisible one came by to drink it up for a while!  Woohoo!

I check my email pretty damn often over the course of a day.  But this Friday, things were a bit different.  I look in my inbox, and there sits a message from Bambi.  Whew… outta nowhere, I know.  Interesting.  So I read it and she talks about how she couldn’t find my number and how she lives in OC again.  And how she wants to kick it and stuff, ans she says…”I miss you Earl.”  She also leaves her digits and says KIT.  Hmm… and part of me wanted to pick up that phone and start dialing.  The other half slapped the hand that started picking up the phone.  I said this before… the time we spent together so long ago (or at least it feels like that) was some of the best ever.  There’s a part of me that wishes that I cold be back there again… but there’s also a part that remembers all the drama that goes along with it.  Sooo… I compromise and I email her back…  and there’s a part of me waiting for the reply… but the other part is… u know.  I don’t wanna fall again dammit…

I stayed home Friday night cuz I thought I was gonna do my laundry for the weekend’s Arrowhead trip.  No such luck… it’s not for a bad reason though.  It’s about 10:30 pm I’d say, and I’m about to organize the mounds of dirty clothing in my room… when my cell rings, and it’s my friend from back home whom I shall call Ray.  Now, me and Ray go waaaaay back… and I mean waaay back.  We met in kindergarten!  Now, if you think about it, that’s about 17 years ago.  Well anyway… we haven’t seen each other in about a year and a half… and I think the last time we talked was about 3 months ago.  Don’t get me wrong… it’s not that I don’t like him… it’s just like it seems that neither of us have the time to really kick it anymore.  I mean, damn… we were BOYS back in the day… he was my roll dawg… He’s one of the few people I actually confide in…I usually don’t like to share my problems… but it’s a whole lot easier for me w/ Ray.  And that’s usually what our multiple hour sessions on the phone end up being.  We sit there and we talk about all the crap in life… and how it all really freakin sucks, but we still gotta keep chuggin on.  When I say crap, it usually has to do with career/educational goals, self-esteem, and girls.  Yeah girls…  But dayam… Ray dropped a bomb on me Friday… he dropped some ish about something he did a year ago and I was like… CRAYZIE!!!! I think it takes a bit to render me speechless… and yeah… there you go.  Man… now I partially understand all the suicidal talk… a subject on which I wholly feel the brotha.  To some suicide may sound like madness and wholly impossible… but let me tell you, you never know until you’re in that situation… until you’re teetering on the brink.  That time has passed… for both me and him.  Nonetheless, it’s really very, very scary when I think back to it, sitting in apt. last year, just staring at the screen, wanting it all to end.  Yeah that was fun… anyway, we talk about all that crap, and how we can’t think like that anymore.  And we pray together, offering it all up to God.  It was a new experience for me.  I’ve never actually prayed over the phone.  All I know is that I felt a whole lot bolder and less worrisome after I hung up. Well, it looks like I might just actually call Bambi…

Hmm….

Am I asking for it?  Hopefully I’m wearing my parachute.

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