I was looking through old files that I had backed up on CDs and I found a long letter I had written in Word more than a decade ago. This is an excerpt from the end of the letter. I have to say, I somewhat surprised by it’s relative candid nature. Who the hell was I ten years ago?
“There’s a part of me that’s glad you said things could never be the same again. Seriously, we lived a lie. Hiding things from each other, not saying things we really wished we could say, forcing ourselves to deny feelings in order to not disturb a delicate balance. But there’s another part of me that wishes we could go back. There were good times amongst all the confusion. But like you said, some things just can’t be changed. And likewise, I could never hate you. We’ve just been through too much. And yeah, we have lost that trust. I don’t feel that I can trust someone like I trusted you again. Not for a long time. It’s sad. But that’s the reality of it. I really don’t know where to go from here. My head says one thing, my heart says another. But I guess the best thing to do is go w/ the flow. Going through all this, I can’t help but feel like I’m saying goodbye. I think that’s what’s happening. It feels like this chapter of my life is coming to an end and I’m writing the final sentences as you read this. Corny, but true. Just the poetic part of me coming out. You always gave me a cause to let that part of me out… You meant a lot to me. But I never knew I meant something to you, or I just never believed it. I’m sorry I couldn’t show you how much I cared through my actions. I never realized that you’d hurt so much. Yeah I’ll see you around, but it won’t be the same. Can’t go back now. But I’ll remember everything.
It was kick ass then.”