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October 30, 2020

Lambasting Laertes

3 min read
****As of 5:55PM Pacific Time, the Riddle has been solved****

I’ll give you the first clue though.
Part I clue: telephone

Edit: A math error has been corrected in the last part.  You may resume the discussions.
Edit v.2: I really, really should’ve double checked this… errata revised!

So, hello someone from South SF that read spent 20 minutes on my xanga.  Ring me sometime… if you wish.

Oh wait, no one has my new cell phone number.  We shall have to remedy that then…

What
I have placed below is a riddle.  It is split up into three parts,
each part signifying a group of numbers.  The number of numbers
shall be revealed in each part. Your task: solve the riddle, punch
those digits into your phone and give me a call.

What a
pretentious bastard, you say?  Hahah.. no not really.  I
don’t expect anyone to actually go through all this trouble just to
give me a call.  But… would’nt it be wondrous if it did
happen?  Anyway…  there’s a prize to be claimed, which
shall be revealed at the end of the riddle.  Oh, oh, oh… entry
rules: you have to be subsribed to my xanga… that’s all.

Remember, each section *somehow* can be transcribed into numbers.

And go!

Last night I sat, reading the bible at home
And was inspired to write a poem,
A poem of tribulation and trial,
A story of deceit and of guile.
As I flipped the pages I saw but a single name
A homograph of where I loathe to go every weekday
That’s a soft rhyme yes, but don’t you stop
This name was not in body, but at the top
I sure hope you were listening to me,
you’ve found the first numbers one, two, three.

The next five may take some thought
Y por eso, oterai wa dok- wait, I’m not a polyglot.
Well, I was thinking of a test from a few years back,
When life was slower and I wore a backpack.
I wished I ACED that s**t F00!
And I wish I was cooler too.
But if you take the ACED, add the F00,
Add one, you’re five steps closer to my number, sir poo.

And now the final two come about,
Like Rome vs. Gaul, without a doubt.
If you know me, this’ll be a breeze.
If you don’t, it’ll be tough, fo sheez.
As I was going to St. Ives,
I met a man with 7 wives,
Each wife had seven sacks
Each sack had seven cats
Each cat had seven kits
Kits, cat, sacks, and wives,
How many times have I been in PCN?
Square that, and divide by years i’ve been alum.
Add the number of siblings I have and take 3 from the sum.
If your deduction is correct, don’t be afraid to dial.
I miss you and haven’t heard you in a while.
Be quick and don’t let anyone beat you to the punch.
Remember, first call gets treated to a nice lunch.

I
swear, it’s real…. of course, the lunch shall be a cost effective
one.  But, you don’t even have to eat it with me!  I can buy
it for you and leave it on your doorstep with a note that says, “Grats
Byatch!”

Grand stuff.

5 thoughts on “Lambasting Laertes

  1. ah ha… i just refreshed your page and you corrected something… i knew there was no way a couple off the numbers were negative/irrational… i’m getting closer…

  2. blast you semi cuz i will never get this!  btw mike’s trying to get in touch with you.  i think he wants room to improv to perform at sipa’s super summer celebration

  3. Wow – great riddle. After great thought and reasoning, I came up with (900) 976-BABE. I tried calling you, but some horny girl answered. How long have you guys been seeing each other?? Talk to you soon…

    marc

    See you tonight!

  4. So, Earl.

    After much thought…

    I’ve finally come to the answer:

    .You’re off this island.

    but before you go, i’m gonna need your phone number so we can stay in touch.

    -wes

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