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October 21, 2020

Bolstering Balthasar

4 min read
More and more these days, the drive to work has become my thinking time, even moreso than sitting on the toilet.  It’s gotten to the point where I don’t even need the radio sometimes.  Even when it’s on, it only provides background noise for my thoughts.  What sucks though, about being in the car while thinking, is that when something interesting pops up, I can’t exactly fire up my non-existent laptop and proceed with my masterful thesis writing… heh. (this is an instance of self-deprecating sarcasm)

So I really wanna get this thought on “paper” before I forget it.

Today is my last day living in Orange County, at least in the foreseeable future.  I’ve lived there since the fall of 1998, when I moved into the dorms (sorry, “residence halls”) a couple days late. It’s been almost 8 years since that day.  In retrospect, I think I’ve changed alot, learned quite a bit, and grown up a little… a little-little.  I’ve lived most of what I consider “my life” in the past eight years.  Which, I guess, inexplicably links it to Orange County…

If that’s true… why aren’t I more sad?  Here I could reiterate how “the O.C.” is the epitome of whacksauce, but I think you’ve all read that enough… all you 900 million people that could potientially be enjoying/hating/spitting on my xanga.  Lucky for you, I have a diversified portfolio of thoughts/muses.

A year ago, I probably would’ve said, “Ah, I’m just getting numb to it all.”  But I think I’ve climbed out of that negative nelly phase for the time being.  Today’s insane rationalization can be summed up in one word (i hope it’s a real one):

Fluidity.  More specifically the relation of increasing age to fluidity (with regards to experiencing time/life, i guess.)

I can feel already that I’ll read this 9 months from now and say… dude, wtf was I thinking.

Anyway, it’s like this: Remember how while growing up, things were so clear cut, cut and dry, no gray areas.  You know, everything was so clearly defined.  It’s school time, it’s bed time, it’s the weekend… all of that.  You knew exactly when one day ended and the next one began.  As you get older, things start to shift, lines blur.  All of a sudden you’re sleeping during class, staying awake all night, and working during weekends.  What day is it anyway?

It’s like you have this blue ice cube, and a red one.  And you put them into a glass.  Let’s call this glass life, and the ice cubes represent an arbitrary unit of time/experience.  Well the cubes start melting and the liquid(fluid) from blue and red cubes start mixing.  And when they mix it’s impossible to separate the colors.  And you’re left with this purple stuff, going, “shit.”  Add sugar and water… grape drink.

So I got sidetracked a bit into a nigh-pertinent analogy.  So what?

Like I was saying, life becomes increasingly more fluid as you get older.  Liquid flows infinitely faster than solids, just as time seems to do when you saaay… graduate college.  Before college, everything that happened began at a pre-appointed time, and ended that way too.  And it all felt so final.  And everyone was all sad.  “Oh I can’t believe we all graduated high school and we’re all leaving to do our own things.  I’ll never see you again.”  And I guess the archetypal high school graduate in my head is kinda right.  Once you graduate you can’t exactly go back to high school. You either start working or you go to college.  You stay home with the parentals, or you move out on your own.  It’s kinda limited choice-wise, I guess.

So fast foward to college graduation-ish time.  “Oh yeah, you graduating this year?” “Eh, maybe.  I was thinking about walking and then maybe finishing up in the fall.”  “Nah, I was thinking about sticking around to pick up another couple of minors.” “Yeah, I’m graduating… not sure what to do after that. Perhaps backpack through Europe.”  The possibilities are nearly endless.

I think it’s the same with alot of things once you hit the “real world.”  Like jobs… and choosing where to live.  You don’t *have* to move right-right now… you can choose to though.  And even if you do choose to leave, that doesn’t mean you can’t come back… because right here, right now, life is fluid.  So even though I may be moving out of Orange County right now, that doesn’t mean with absolute surety that I won’t be back.  To any of my friends still in Orange County, that means it isn’t goodbye it’s just, “fuck why’d you move so far.  That drive is a bitch.”  It isn’t a Sayonara, it’s a ja-ne!

Ok… finally… point across.

I wrote all this bullshit and I’m only moving to Los Angeles.  I wonder what’d happen if I left for Nepal or something.

2 thoughts on “Bolstering Balthasar

  1. the sugar water purple analogy is the best thing ever… i think they can stop looking for a unified field theory now.

    but yeah man, i think with my chosen profession, i’ll probably be in orange county for a loooong time… if things work out, that is… but LA sounds pretty fun.. it’s a lot closer to all the good shows and cultural stuff…

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