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October 30, 2020

Largeman

3 min read

Dear Home,

Hey! How are you? What’ve you been up to? I hope everything is going well. I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever!

When was the last time? Ah yes, it was in Costa Mesa, remember? I can still recall it so vividly; the guitars hanging on the walls, and that bunk bed, and the roman shades! Oh, and it had that interesting little raised platform for a dining room. Remember how we used the mini-bar mirror as a dart gun target? And there was so much food around! We had Niko Niko a block away, and Pho 99 down the street! Oh, and Norms. Norms! Haha I remember when four of us packed into that little 10×10 upstairs bedroom. We had to basically climb over each other to get to the bathroom! And we used to have our neighbors over to smoke hookah in the patio. Good times… good times. It feels like such a long time ago.

I know things are different now. I’ve done a very little bit of growing up since we parted ways, as I’m sure you have. I’m staying with my mom in Long Beach now. It’s okay I guess. Ok, I lied, it sucks. I don’t have a room so I sleep on the floor in the living room. I don’t mind the floor at all. It’s the lack of a room part that sucks, because the damned TV in the living room is always on. It’s ALWAYS on. I can’t concentrate, and therefore cannot create. I can’t play guitar. I can’t write. I can’t design. You know where I am right now? I’m in the garage. It’s cold as all shit right now, but it’s quiet in here.

Don’t worry about me though. I’m slowly saving up money from my unfairly waged job to make my break.

Sorry I’m dropping this all on you. It’s just that I don’t know who to talk to. I don’t know if anyone here can understand this insatiable need of mine. Sure they say they understand, but their blank stares belie the lip service.

I miss you.

Without you, I feel like I’m in this state of constant flux, like there’s nothing there to anchor me. There’s no place for me to touch base, to center. I’ve tried so hard to keep myself from losing focus, to prevent scattering myself. It’s been smooth going for the most part, but there are times when I start to come undone. I start latching on to anything within reach in a desperate attempt to avoid a downward spiral. It’s a dangerous habit.

I’m doing alright right now though. I’ve been keeping myself busy. Still doing improv… and some sketch now too. I’ve been trying to write more music. And some scripts. And I’m blogging in a couple of places. And I’m doing this writer’s workshop thing with a bunch of other people. It’s all about getting into the habit of writing, I suppose. We write every day and put everything up online. Scary huh?

Anyway, I’m sure I’ve taken up enough of your time. Hope everything is going well for you, wherever you are. I just really wanna say that I’m glad I wrote this letter. I feel like just writing to you assures me that you’re still out there somewhere and that one day we’ll run into each other again.  Maybe you could come visit sometime?

Thanks for reading/listening. Write back soon.

-McTaggart

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