|Call me the masturbatory innovator. I find new ways to screw myself every day.
I think it all started when I was born. I breathed in, filling my lungs for the first time… and also condemning myself to become me.
Also, I think i’ve decided that someday… sometime soon, I want to be able to answer the question: “Hey, so what are you up to these days?” with the words, “Oh, I’m an actor.” I said this to myself earlier this morning… and I sounded pretty convicted. Then, on the way home from coffee with Kris, Wes, and Ed, I thought about it again. It made me feel just a bit sad that my passion (as far as i believe, at least) is in an area where luck matters as much as talent, a livable wage is hard to come by, and job security is… yeah. Still, as always, I seem to find a way to hope beyond reason. Struggling artist… hah.
This reminds me; Kris and I had our first musical theater audition at a dinner theatre place in Tustin. I’m not exactly sure how I did… but it felt really, really good on that stage. Even if I don’t get cast, it was almost worth it just to be able to sing like that again. I sure hope we do get cast though! I just hope it doesn’t hurt so much when I don’t get cast. Being cast would be a dream come true, as far as I’m concerned.
I’ve actually thought about this all alot, and I think that maybe there’s just something wrong with me. Maybe somewhere in this fat head of mine, there’s a rogue neuron that fires at the wrong intervals, releases the wrong neurotransmitters, or just plain fails to propagate its action potential. And that rogue neuron just throws everything off kilter. “Oh I’m a rogue neuron! I curse you normy neurons!” Maybe I’m just a little crazy. Maybe I’m somehow choosing to be crazy. Buuutt… deep down inside, I’m kind of hoping that the “rogue neuron” theory is true… hoping that there’s an external locus of control that I can blame for me turning out the way I have.
But maybe, too, it’s a gift. Maybe this is how it’s supposed to be. And maybe this is all just transitional. Maybe it’s one of the final stages of me coming to terms with “me.” Maybe it’s just the path to self-actualization.
I’m just searching for my firm place to stand.
But who doesn’t, in some capacity, believe this to be true?
So I think I’ll let some of this go. Give it up to someone greater than myself. And maybe I’ll just pray for the plan to be revealed one day.
Maybe it’s being revealed as we speak. I guess if that’s the case, I’m pretty excited.
Oh, before I forget. I was gonna show this to everyone: